


Tom, Evie and Her Immeasurable Disappointment

by MerhppDerhpp



Series: Tom and Evie's Special Misadventures [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Crack, Dark Comedy, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerhppDerhpp/pseuds/MerhppDerhpp
Summary: Tom has always believed he was special. Evie has always believed he's an actual moron and that yeeting them into a parallel universe future is only proof of that. Her disappointment is immeasurable, and her day is ruined.
Relationships: Tom Riddle & Original Female Character(s), Tom Riddle | Voldemort & Original Female Character(s)
Series: Tom and Evie's Special Misadventures [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959916
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guess we be getting more crack, boys, let's go.

* * *

"Oh, my god, Tom, what the fuck?" Evie exclaims, somehow surprised that things have gone to shit again. Maybe it's because she wasn't expecting Tom to be so cracked that he actually thought travelling to the future was a good and viable idea.

In hindsight, that was mad fucking dumb.

Tom is on his knees, hunched over and evidently too winded to reply to her. Not that he would do so even if he weren't. Evie has to wrestle with the urge to kick him in the face so she can crouch down and see if he's okay.

Evie flicks his forehead. His eyes crack open enough to glower at her and that's how she knows he's dandy.

"You fucked up, bruh," she helpfully points out, just in case he hasn't realised yet. Which is honestly likely because he has ego issues that she regularly has to trim like an ugly, weedy bush that just won't fucking behave. "Real bad. Horribly, even."

" _Evie,_ " he hisses, as he is wont to do whenever he's sick of her shit. Which is often. It, unfortunately, has about as much effectiveness as her whining his name because she can't save him from his own idiocy.

She misses Peeves. Peeves understood her plight, but then Tom graduated and only went back every so often to apply for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position. 'Every so often' was also once a year until this particular fuck up, which is just sad. He needs help, but she can't help dumbasses who don't want to help themselves.

It's a great travesty. Maybe when he's, like, in his thirties, he'll figure out what a shit-cunt he's been. Then again, she's been hoping for improvement ever since he was born, so.

"Tom," Evie returns, carding her fingers through his hair while he recovers because he hates other people messing up his hair. Oddly enough, though, it seems to be soothing him rather than irritating him, so maybe he's actually not so dandy. "You good, bro?"

He hums, angrily, which doesn't clarify things. Subconsciously, his body seems to be struggling between curling up and leaning towards her. It reminds Evie of someone having mad period cramps. She actually doesn't know what that's like since fertility was one of the prices of her particular brand of fantastical magic.

Honestly, now that she thinks about it, her said fantastical magic is probably why she's stuck to a dickhead like him. This price is probably the worst of them.

"When?" Tom rasps, resting his forehead on her knee. She wonders how pissed off he'd be if she became incorporeal at this exact moment. A lot, most likely. Maybe she should let him catch his breath before she goes off.

Looking around, Evie recognises their surroundings as the Great Lake and Hogwarts. "Well, no fucking idea," she admits. "But, I _have_ figured out that you've fucked up." He makes a sound that might be a prompt for her to either elaborate or shut the fuck up.

Evie continues patting his head like she would with a cantankerous cat as she decides to elaborate with, "We're in a new timeline, I think, just because it felt similar to when I got my ass yeeted and stuck to your ass after I died." Tom lifts his head just enough to give her a suspicious squint. She obscures his vision by fucking with his fringe. "At the very least, we're in a parallel universe rather than a completely new one. Jesus, could you imagine? You'd die in, like, three minutes and then I'd have to go wherever the fuck your soul goes in that particular world. Presumably."

She's about to go on about all the possibilities of the afterlife when Tom unexpectedly faints.

"Oh, no," Evie deadpans as she promptly picks him up and yeets him into the lake. It takes exactly twenty-nine seconds before he rises from the depths looking like a drenched serial killer on a warpath, where she then blinks at him as though she has no idea why he would be upset. "What? You fainted."

"You _loathsome_ pest," he pants, sounding as though he wants to be pissed off but is still working on catching his breath.

Watching him sulkily wade through the water reminds her of the great memory where she finally became a poltergeist, so when she replies, "I love you, too, fucking dumbass cunt," it's with a truly genuine grin.

The obvious hatred in his eyes warms her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right. So. I'd like to warn that chapters will be super short, sporadic and fucked. I'm sorry. Okay, bye. Love you.
> 
> Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre. Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evidently, I need to worldbuild and plot even in crack.

"Tom, are you ignoring me again?"

Tom ignores her as he skulks about the castle, apparently with a destination in mind. That answers that, she supposes. He's dried off ̶and cleaned off, because the Giant Squid tried to roleplay hentai but Tom didn't appreciate that ̶but he's still looking deranged and any students lingering about are probably going to fear for their lives.

Or they might be attracted to him. Maybe even both, because that's a vibe for some people. It's true that he's pretty and it's being refined by age, but his intelligence is still fucking wack and it hurts her soul. Only she seems to understand what a fucknut he is because the others are even stupider by eating up all the bullshit he spews out.

"You make me sad, sometimes," Evie sighs, readjusting her grip on him as she absently gnaws on the tip of his ear. She's been feeling an urge to bite things for some reason. Can poltergeists have a weird teething phase?

Tom violently twitches when she shifts the corporeality of her teeth so he can feel her being an asshole. " _Evie,_ " he literally growls in warning, his tone weird and loaded with things she can't quite figure out without contemplating shit she doesn't really want to. " _Stop._ "

She responds by biting hard enough to make him bleed. He flips his shit, trying to throw her off and smack her, but she's incorporeal and stuck to him like a leech.

"Oh, hello."

Evie immediately cackles as Tom whirls around to see who he has to fucking kill so that they can't use this against him. She can't see who it is since she's buried her face into his neck.

" _Oh, my god, Tom!_ " she breathes, thinking that she'd be in pain by now if she was actually alive. " _Tom!_ Get fucked!"

"Hello," Tom greets, ignoring her and acting all sophisticated as though he wasn't spazzing the fuck out literally seconds before. Evie looks over his shoulder to find a kid with a dreamy expression on her face. "Apologies if I startled you."

The kid blinks. Slowly. "That's all right," she says, her voice soft. She sounds kind of high, honestly. "It must be difficult to have a nekrahijm tied to you."

Evie gasps. "Hey, I know that word!"

Tom glances at her with a confused twitch of his brow before tilting his head and smiling that fake-ass smile at the girl. "A nekrahijm?"

In her excitement, Evie swings back and forth as she clutches onto Tom, forcing him to actively focus on maintaining his balance. Unfortunately, the kid doesn't seem the least bit off-put by it. But she's interesting enough, anyway, so it's fine.

"A nekrahijm, pronounced, 'neh-kra-heem,' is a spirit that becomes tied to a living person who has similar ideals or ambitions as they did when they were alive. Presumably, they're there to help their anchor achieve their dreams," she explains, tilting her head and looking off into the distance. She seems to be remembering something. "Mum had a nekrahijm attached to her that was interested in seeking knowledge, just like her."

"Had?" Tom queries while Evie's mind is blown. It all makes fucking sense, now! Well, aside from the ideals thing. Last she's checked, her ideals didn't include genuine dipshittery where she conforms to other peoples' standards of power and status.

The girl smiles. "She died when I was nine, you see. She enjoyed learning about the world her nekrahijm was from and wanted to figure out a way of bridging the gap."

Evie remarks, "Rather ambitious of her," just as Tom gives some vague condolences because he's putting all his brainpower into focusing on her. There's that dumbass fucking calculation on his face again.

"Mum was very ambitious in her pursuits of knowledge," the kid agrees, her dreamy smile tinged by a mild solemnity. But then it disappears as she looks at Evie. "I'm glad to have found someone else that reminds me of her, though. My name is Luna Lovegood. It's very nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too, Luna!" Evie exclaims with a manic grin. "I'm Evie and this halfwit is my incompetent anchor, Tom."

And while Tom tries to deny his incompetence, Evie remembers that she's currently incorporeal.

Well, that's lame. The whole joke of Tom being a maniac by himself has been ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre. Thank you for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sponsored by lemon drops and disappointment.

"This is certainly quite the surprise, isn't it, Tom?"

"Dumbledude got old," Evie mutters, still clinging onto a displeased Tom. "And more jaded. Was he jilted? Or did his disappointment in your life choices age him dramatically? Because same, bro. You just can't see it since I'm dead and all. Luckily for you, I can express it with my words."

Tom inhales rather deeply, as if it'll help him calm down or something. When he exhales, it's very aggressive.

Dumbledude is casually leaning on his desk, looking both serene and on edge as he dissects Tom with his eyes. It makes sense, she supposes. It's not every day that the kid you've always discriminated ̶(arguably unjustifiably) ̶pops up randomly, looking a lot less old than he probably should be.

"I suppose I should say the same," is Tom's lofty and irreverent reply after a good amount of supposedly tense silence. Dumbledude has always understandably made him nervous, so his demeanour is extra polished again despite getting better at hiding it over the years.

"Ah," sounds Dumbledude as he reaches over to grab a lemon drop. She kind of wants one, too. Food might not do shit for her, but she can taste it, at least. "So, then, it would seem you planned previously on arriving unceremoniously into the future." As he pops the lemon drop in his mouth and more fucking silence stretches between them, he finally continues with, "Might I ask whatever for, Tom?"

"Oh, fuck, here we go," Evie groans, detaching from Tom to get a lemon drop or ten. He can monologue like a motherfucker when he wants to and it wouldn't be so bad if they actually made sense. But, alas, they rarely do.

Tom smiles, all sharp edges and hostility. "Of course. But I'm not obligated to answer, am I?"

Evie elicits a little cheer at his thankfully brief retort before she leans over the bowl of lemon drops to literally inhale them. When she straightens up, Dumbledude is looking in her general direction with a suspicious squint while Tom closes his eyes and takes another aggressive breath.

More silence.

Then, "I sense that we are not alone," from Dumbledude. He's admittedly pretty good at sounding casual and unbothered despite being anything but. "Your doing as well, Tom?"

The exhale coming out of Tom is so quick it's pretty much just a hiss as he replies, "Not by choice, I assure you." And to really show his displeasure, he runs his hand with his hair again. It's honestly a fucking mess right now. Evie thinks it might suit him if his goal was to look like a vaguely elegant fuckboi, but he actually really hates people and being touched, so it'd be counter-intuitive to give off such an impression.

Which, really, it can only be a blessing that he's never really gone through the phase of exploring his sexuality aside from asserting his repulsion of everything associated with it. Well, maybe it's a blessing for her since she didn't have to deal with that kind of awkward atmosphere, but it's possible he just repressed it because he didn't want to deal with that shit, either.

Possible, but unlikely. She knows him well enough that they're basically the same.

Now, whether or not he's actually capable of romantically loving someone is still a mystery. She knows she can't. He thinks he's also incapable but he's never built a strong enough connection with anyone aside from her to really be sure.

Can't blame him about that, really. All his peers were dumb as fuck and being attracted to any one of them would just be shameful.

Tom already has enough to be ashamed of as is.

"Perhaps, Tom," Dumbledude starts next, turning back to Tom as he gently clasps his hands in his lap, "you would be willing to enlighten me as to who your mysterious companion is?" All of his movements are calm and deliberate, giving her the inkling that he could probably curb stomp Tom much faster than anyone would expect an elderly person to be capable of. She really wants to see it, now.

Tom, of course, can't mask the disgust that overtakes him at the idea of revealing her to Dumbledude of all people. "Why in Merlin's name would I ever be willing to share _anything_ with you, let alone my 'mysterious companion'?"

"I don't know, man," Evie says as she becomes corporeal. Dumbledude's index finger twitches, just the slightest. "Aren't you supposed to be convincing him that letting you stick around is a better idea than straight up assassinating your ass?"

"Evie," Tom sighs, his shoulders dropping as he looks to the heavens for some kind of salvation. He sounds like he's on the verge of whining and she kind of lives for it. "I hate you."

Evie blows him a kiss before she sucks up some more lemon drops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are love. Reviews are life. It's never ogre. Thank you for reading.


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